Strange grief.
I had been trying to verbalise something to A for a little while, but I haven’t been able to gather it in my own head properly. I’m actually grieving for the loss of our three person family. It might sound silly, but I miss the intimacy of it just being the three of us. Last week when I was at the shopping centre in the parents room, I watched a couple in a breastfeeding cubicle with their new baby. The father had gone all the way out to the nearby cafe to get a chair so he could sit with his wife. Reminded me of how close A and I were when Willow was born.
It’s not that I resent Dexter or wish that he hadn’t been born, but it’s been an adjustment. I think I forgot how time-consuming newborns are. It frustrates me that I can’t be as responsive to either of them as I was to Willow when it was just her.
When I finally got the chance to tell him this, he, Willow and I were lying on our bed talking. She had just woken up from a nap and Dexter was still asleep in his swing. It was really nice to spend that 30 or so minutes being just the three of us, laughing and being silly. I guess I just miss things being easier the child – parent ratio being one to 2, rather than 2 to one as it is sometimes now.
Afterwards we went out to Norwood for dinner and a spot of Christmas shopping. The shop we wanted to go to – Windmill - was closed, but we happened to wander in the the Mac shop where I bought a voice recorder for my iPod. Will be handy for uni next year. It was really nice to go out as a family. A kept seeing people from his work which wasn’t really surprising, since it is so close. On the way back to the car we got Cold Rock icecreams which melted every where. Gosh it’s a pity when Willow doesn’t finish her icecream and I have to!
Funny things:
- If we want Willow to do something but she doesn’t, she will say “In a minute!” in the same tone of voice that we use when we want her to wait!
- I was in the courtyard (at the side of our house) with Willow this evening, eating our icecream. She got bored and ran off to the front yard – I could hear her but not quite see her. All the cars driving past were beeping so I had to see what she was doing. She was perched up on the fence waving to the cars and yelling Hello! Very cute. Downhill one of our neighbours has a big Xmas lights display, hence all the cars driving past.
- She’s still trying to get the boy/girl thing straight and has been throwing tantrums because she is not a boy.
Dexter is doing really well – I’m always a bit stumped when people ask if he is a good baby. My usual reply is that as long as he is not stealing cars and doing drugs then I’m happy. He’s feeding well, sleeping ok and just starting to interact with us. Of course I’d be in heaven if he’d sleep for longer than 4 hours, but that’s newborns for you. I’m just trying to soak up as much of him as possible.
I do a Mums and Bubs exercise class – mostly pilates and pelvice floor exercises – and he’s ok as long as he is fed. if he is on the mat and can see a fitball, they really capture his attention. I’ll be starting a Mums and Bubs yoga class soon, so I hope he is co-operative for that too.
